In messy divorces, somebody has to be grown up and it's not the children | Susie Orbach

has come to something when the children of couples in conflict must inform their parents when they parted

bad breaks. It hurts like hell, even for the couple that caused the separation. And if there are children involved, the damage can be even greater - for children are a constant reminder that hope and love that has gone wrong has created. In a divorce, the pain may be aggravated by traditional legal "solutions".

A spectacular example of these truths emerged following the divorce case v Kavanagh Kavanagh, when the two parties - the lawyers themselves, middle-aged, presumably rational and three children - were able to squander his fortune £ 3 million in the fight against each other in court. Say financial consequences, of course, but also consider the emotional impact, including the impact on children.

inadvertently adversarial system exploits the pain and disappointment of broken relationships. It strives to relieve pain by turning antagonists former lovers whose interests are opposed to each other. Through these practices, the anger and rage are replacing broken hearts and set aside the possibility of mourning a lost love and think that children need both parents.

course, it is too easy to blame the lawyers when a bullish stance often seen by people who are divorced or devastated the contrary, he feels guilty. Awkward postures provide temporary protection against emotional pain and confusion continues.

But if antagonism becomes the path of compromise, both parties are stuck in a horrible pas de deux

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create a relationship in which the other is the enemy instead of a relationship that holds affection for what once was. The two are so intertwined than ever, but on the basis of the macabre hatred, anger and misunderstanding.

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and it is perhaps the point. Some people prefer to stay connected

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more than ever. If there is a third party involved, and with the old antipathy can often be used to enhance the potential cracks in the new relationship, especially if the relationship was illegal source. The concept of plot may persist with a constant need for unity against the "evil" wife or husband. There are a trio of foot, instead of a separate pair.

Nobody leaves a long-term relationship without conflict or unpunished. But as long as healing is interrupted by the continued belligerence on the side of one of the parties, as often happens when the law gets involved, it can be assumed that the belligerent is unstable. He or she uses to strengthen the attack emotional fragility and treat each other as if they were still in a company and have other emotional demands. When this happens on both sides, offers extremely difficult for children.

• In this regard, from the point of view of the child, a new HBO documentary

not divorce me

excerpts of which can now be viewed online, promises good sense of children and adults was evident last week. "Try to ensure that their children receive both types of parents are like," "I say that I have no guilt", "learn to live" are some "rules" that offer children of divorce in the film. Common sense, you might think, but how often this lack of vision of their parents?

From the perspective of the child, there is rarely a good time for parents to separate, although there was a great shock and struggle. Children want what they grew up with (which is an argument in favor of a separation soon if the couple are really unable to cooperate). Change in family arrangements Found disconcerting and painful. If your parents were together until they are eight or 14 or even 19 and 26, their inner world is structured themselves in relation to the set-up.

This makes it more difficult or easy depends entirely on how the couple separates manage their own relationships and arrangements with children. At the very least, consistency is needed. It is also important that children are allowed to have a relationship with both parents without being inveigled in espionage or carrier message. "Do not put me in the middle," said one of the children in the HBO documentary.
Not for children to arrange things for parents. Not for children to take the attitude of a father who feels aggrieved and delivered to the other parent. Both parents should make sure they have the "clean" possible relationship with their children so that children can rely on their parents to care for them. The task of parents is to be there for their children, and not the reverse. Problems between parents must be spoken by friends and visited the children.

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