Isabel Leighton encouraged his companion to enter the analysis. Five years and two babies later, another five sessions per week. Now he feels left out and not knowing where to turn ...
There are three of us in my relationship. Me. My partner. Psychoanalyst and my countrymen.
all started shortly after we met. The two were recently separated - I was a single mother - and she fell in love with indecent haste. He was handsome, eloquent and emotional terribly fun - but sometimes he had a look behind the dead eyes. He had a difficult childhood, complicated and seemed to suffer from severe depression.
just in time to attend marriage counseling with his ex-girlfriend - a part of an agreement, promoted by her to be closer to a kind of positive. The therapist also saw clearly that he was in trouble and offered to start treating the individual. I encouraged him to accept the offer.
want to go to the first session. I had to push. I remember him saying, "Do not worry, it will not be reprimanded." When he came back the feeling of relief was palpable. He writes: ".. The good news is that it was very helpful The bad news is he thinks I'm so stoned I have to do five times a week for at least two years "
was five years ago.
Unlike couples therapy, who had been face to face, it would be on the couch. The analyst would see at 8 o'clock every morning of the week. I missed all the time, but their reaction was intensely positive analysis - was an instant conversion, immediately begin to address the serious problems that had haunted all her life. There are other positive aspects that radiated from his treatment: he was given, and therefore, we, a vocabulary for talking to us from the beginning, and helped with the task of becoming a stepfather, a universally agreed to be a very difficult brief that you are.
Soon I became pregnant. Ben was happy - I was desperate to be a father, pushing to get to work quickly because the player window was closing. The pregnancy was a happy moment. But that was when I was in the early stages of labor, which was held in the evening, which began to wonder whether the analysis was not to interfere in our lives too. As I sat beside my hospital bed, he asked with a look of urgency on his face: "How long do you think it will have you think I'm going to miss the analysis the morning? "At first I thought it was a joke - but he was completely serious. I told him that if he was miles away, with his phone turned off, and if I did not want to risk losing the birth Your baby should not go. Privé was a little surprised he had not yet asked.
When we take the baby home, I began to feel resentful. I was up all night, but nursing, I could never have extra sleep in the morning. My day began at seven o'clock, when he left for analysis, followed by work and often work-related functions in the afternoon. I wish I had two kids ready and take my daughter to school, baby in tow. Sometimes there were three days and three nights he did not see at all, except to sleep.
I realize, of course, it's a story of the middle class. What is a friend of mine calls a "problem of face." And I am fully aware that it would be much worse if I lived in central Mogadishu. But it was my life.
used to hear the door slam behind him in the morning and feel completely abandoned. However, when I raised the issue, I said it was all because of my own problems - my feeling of being left as a child by my father. Nothing to do with loneliness and fatigue that can come to having to deal with a baby on her own. Apparently, he was jealous because he wanted the analysis itself. At one point, Ben insisted that I look at him, but the referral - in which the therapist told me I would have to attend three times a week - was a disaster and never returned. Seeing a therapist to discuss my feelings about your treatment? It's madness was on his way - even in North London
There were other issues. Morning session Ben dictated the mood of the family. The analysis dictated that we could go on vacation. It is expensive. More importantly, this means that there is no intimacy in the relationship - of course I knew it was discussed in the sessions, but I had no right to know what was said because the sessions are sacrosanct. That confidentiality was a little on one side.
often as we do the usual things - walking on health, criticism and gossip about our friends and family and make fun of our children on their backs. Then, suddenly, we would be having a furious row caused by something he repeated in a single session in which I felt misunderstood. In the end I prohibits any discussion of its meetings at the base of everything I thought it would, inevitably, out of context (the context is a conversation of about 230 hours per year) and therefore probably painful or boring. I also felt that in some respects, he gave me some kind of power and equality in other did not.
However, the analysis seems to be working for him and began to heal her relationship with her mother and to end relationships with people who made him unhappy. I still felt in the morning and the money too, but less. I believed in everything.
Our second son was born last July. As work began, he was lying in bed next to me with his arm around me. We laugh at something. Then he looked toward the ceiling. "So how long do you think it will take?" Said. "I did not miss a session?" It was the same conversation as before - but has given little attention and no shorter this time
was back from the hospital within 12 hours of delivery and the next morning it was as usual. I had to deal with children and a newborn baby. Two breakfasts, two lunches to take away food and a struggle to dress a recalcitrant child, after literally had spots before your eyes. I called the doctor, thinking that my blood pressure had gone through the roof and my kidneys were about to explode.
soon arrived in August - the month that psychoanalysts go on vacation and all sessions are off. I remember it as a precious time, intimate. After a restless night, with the other children were still asleep, we would be up to eight hours with the baby in bed with us. We visited his mother, who cooked us dinner and we went to great swimming in the river near her home as she watched the baby and other children. The field seems to be in Technicolor. In the absence of another shoulder to cry on, Ben seemed to be more loving and caring. (Although I'm not blind to the need Benger if necessary, I am also a human being if people are nice to you, is good -. No matter why.) He started talking about stopping analysis - which I don 't and demand that things be done properly, but can not deny how much he would be happy to be myself again.
Then came September and the beginning of the fifth year of treatment. After the first session of individual Ben returned home and away, shocked. He seemed to see all our previous conversations about this over time I stop trying to sabotage his analysis. It was as if he had returned to a cult that would never go, where all those who questioned him was unreliable. The intimacy experienced in August had disappeared and was replaced by hostility.
was furious. Not with him this time, but the process itself. With his analyst. Who was the cuckoo in the nest? The third, whose opinion was more important than mine? What was the process that actually made me a person who has not, even though I was so deeply affected by it so many levels? It was not just that Ben seems to have priority, but the process itself needs to be taken more seriously than me.
I wrote a letter to the fantasy of the analyst, saying he was tired of being discussed without being allowed to know what was said and concern that the ideas false to me could be promoted. The paper concludes with an invitation to fuck, I had the great pleasure of flying in a 84pt text before submitting the entire document to the recycle bin on the desktop.
Never having been a skeptic, now began to doubt the process. I looked everywhere for advice for spouses of patients, but found none, except a piece of
New York Times
dated 1982, which concluded that the only way to survive was to have the analysis itself.
In desperation I turned to two well known, both of which have been submitted for analysis as part of their training to become therapists themselves. Both restless changed - almost guilty. There was nothing I could say to help, except to acknowledge that yes, it must be difficult for the couple.
was when I went through this new Ben suggested that I write this book - I thought it would make me feel better. (In fact, was the center of a row. "Why not write a bloody piece of him?" "Well, perhaps it will be bloody!") Posted Tavistock Centre, renowned NHS Trust Mental Health and contacted a psychoanalyst named Philip Stokoe. What he said has caused anger and relief in equal measure so.
was not true, I asked, when one of you is in the analysis there is a third person in the relationship, lack of privacy and a sense of two against one?
"Well, I think that's true. But it's complicated. "Stokoe began to explain how the sessions." I'm the analyst. I'm listening to the description of my patient's wife or girlfriend. I think it's a way of talking about his inner world. I'm not always so, because he thinks he speaks of his wife. I think it's a real problem, and all analysts are aware that there are Benger associations in the way things belonging to the patient is staged outside the psychoanalytic dyad. "
"One of the ways we can resist change," said Stokoe, "is that instead of thinking that, between sessions, to act again to all for participating in another person who then become part of you will not see, then you can have a line. You do not work in an internal conflict which creates what appears to be an external conflict. This is a problem. "What I think you're saying is that I am a person who exists only as a representation of the inner world of Ben, but still have to live my life as a mop up waste that is thrown their sessions.
Well, yes. Therefore, as Stokoe said: .. "Freud in the early prohibits people from having sex if they were in psychoanalysis, and said it was not a good idea to have a relationship He realized he could not do it, but realized early on that this was a problem. "
Find best price for : --Stokoe----Leighton--
ไม่มีความคิดเห็น:
แสดงความคิดเห็น